A shepherd's tale
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........
"You have exactly 1586 sheep".
"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shephard.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shephard says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal? "
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answers the shephard. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know absolutely nothing about my business....
Now give me back my Dog".
A Full Life
A boat is docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist is complimenting a Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asks how long it takes him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. Then, with the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Also, instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge and successful enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty five years, at the most" replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"
Joke of the day
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone,
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.................. you bloody mosquito.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Top joke in Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Top joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
General equations & statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Propensity to change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
How to stop people from bugging you about getting married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Shortly, the old man received this telegram,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the
best I could do for you at this time."
How to Bath a Cat
Dear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid
so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part
of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat
will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a
'powerwash and rinse' which I have found to be quite
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and
run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
A father's 10 rules for dating his daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Believe it or not
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
~I am~ is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat only one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests saved EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia together.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Starfish haven't got brains. .
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to throw blood up to 30 feet.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
A Mexican Genie...
A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the Rio Grande when she stumbled upon un old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE weesh.
She said to the Genie. "I heard from mi prima that I coo get three weeshes if I ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-weesh genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WEESH Genie, Uno, no mas! So... que quiere?
The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eash other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE! These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. "PLEASE make another weesh and please be reasonable."
The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never bean able to fine the right man. I want a Mexicano boyfriend... You know, one that's DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes to Cumbia and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. That's what I weesh for... a good Mexicano man.
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, " Let me see that freakin' map again."
Two strangers in plane
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."
"Well then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!
A} - Almost Boobs...
B} - Barely there.
C} - Can't Complain!
D} - Damn!
DD} - Double damn!
E} - Enormous!
F} - Fake.
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to retrieve it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and women will flock to him."
The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof! - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. Again the frog warned, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."
So, poof! - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like to have a 'MILD HEART ATTACK'".
Black and White
A black man talks to a white man:
When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!
In Chigaco, Illions a woman's husband worked until late at night. She wanted to get a watch dog so she went to the pet shop.
At the pet shop she asked the clerk for a recomended watch dog."I know just what you need", said the clerck "I will be right back" The clerk returned holding a dinky yippy dog.
"But that's not a watch dog" protested the woman. "It is as good as any. If not better. It knows Karate". "Yeah right" replies the woman.
"Then let me demonstrate" says the clerk."Karate the sign!" The next thing you saw was a sale sign in tiny shreads."Karate the chair" bellowed the clerk. Wooden splinters went flying through the air and the woman was convinced. "All right I will take it" She returns home to show her husdand her new watch dog.
"That's no watch dog" says the husband."Yes it is. It knows Karate"
"Karate my ass!"